Sunday, October 25, 2015

Not settling for just O.K.

                          Another one bites the dust!

Divorce happens so frequently now a days.  It comes so easy  and people do it for every little thing it seems.  What happened to commitment and meaning your vows?  Why do you give your all to only be told ten plus years down the road that it was all a lie and they never loved you?  I mean seriously, why would someone do that to themselves, let alone to someone else?

Well Obviously, I don't have all the answers, as I am going through yet another divorce.  I want to believe there are still men out there that are not cowards and mean what they say.  I can't believe it myself, but I still believe in the institute of marriage and that there has to be someone out there that still believes in forever and growing old with someone.  In truth, I am just an old soul.  

I always say that I want what my great grandparents had.  Their marriage was not perfect, but they loved each other dearly till the day they died.  The truth is I think those days are gone.  I can't have what they had because the people who raised them to be that way are gone.  How can we expect to have that when we don't teach that to our children.  If we show them instead that divorce is so easy and sleeping around and such is no big deal.  So you see.... I have been searching for something long ago past.  

I mourn for what relationships and such are becoming and what it will be like for my grandchildren.  One day there may not be a such thing as marriage.  One day that will be something you read about in the history books.  It's so very sad!

I know that this separation period is a time of reinventing myself, but to be honest, I don't want to do that.  I feel, for me, it's more of reminding myself of who I AM.  I have done a lot of compromising on things that I believe in and what I want.  I don't want to do that anymore.  No matter what anyone else says, I don't believe my standards are too high.

I want to be happy.  I want to be that someone special to someone that they can't live without.  I want to be a help mate, best friend, lover, partner, and I want all that in someone too.  I want loyalty and faithfulness.  I want someone to look out for me while I am looking out for everyone else.  I know that there is someone out there that is looking for the same thing.  Somewhere!!

I will not rush quickly into a relationship, like I have in the past.  The past marriage/divorce has really done a number on me.   I will have to know and believe that the next man is no coward and means what he says and who he says he is.  I will not ever be in another relationship with a boy that loves boy things. I need a man who can handle responsibility and can take care of me and whatever comes along.

I will be in no hurry.  I have family and friends and a life.  I will pursue things that make me happy and other life dreams.  I might be lonely at times, but I have been lonely for many years now and I was married.    Being lonely is not the end of the world and I have to get through it day by day.  

I will not settle and neither should you!

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Happiness comes from within!

How many of us let life get us down?  How many of us make excuses and/or blame someone else?  I think I would be safe in saying that everyone has done this at some point in their life.  I am no exception!

I will admit that I have been very unhappy for a while.  I didn't realize how bad I had gotten until the last few days.  Let me take a step back and see if any of you can relate.

I am a 40 year old over weight woman.  I have struggling relationships at work and home.  I have found that I find joy in nothing I do anymore.  I don't hang out with my friends like I used to, for one reason or another.  I don't like who I see in the mirror and my heart doesn't seem to be in anything I do anymore.

Now, does this sound like you now or ever?

The other day I realized that I was  not enjoying Christmas.  You wouldn't know this about me unless you have known me a long time, but that is NOT like me.  Christmas has always been my favorite time of year.  I love giving, family, and the decorating.  I love to go see the lights.  Well...not this year!  I was listening to someone at work singing a holiday song and bubbling with happiness.  I caught myself thinking that I wish they would just shut up.  Wow!  I was surprised at my own thoughts.  What the heck is wrong with me?

That started me to thinking.  When was the last time I was really happy?  I started considering all the ways that my unhappiness has effected my life.  Let me explain...

Being over weight, not liking what I see in the mirror, not feeling pretty, and no confidence has touched every aspect of my life.  I get up in the morning and I think things like, "Why bother putting on makeup.  No one cares or notices."  Then when I go to work, my heart is not in a lot of what I do because I feel that no one really cares about what I am doing or listens.  Another words, I feel invisible.

I come home after that and the house is always dirty, drama from kids, relationship with my spouse is suffering and all I want to do is hide.  I think to myself, "Why should I bother, no one listens to me and all the hard work I do around here never seems to be enough."

My children are over 18, barely.  They are acting their age and going through that time in life where we make lots of stupid mistakes.  Did we listen to our parents?  I didn't because I knew it all!

Now, I have been telling myself that it was me being tired, stress at work, stress at home, my husbands fault, or simply I don't care.  However, ALL of these things, these areas in my life, are up to me.  How we live our lives is something we choose.  Who's fault is it if I don't like what I see or how I feel?  Yeah, it's MINE!

I, like so many others, have made plenty of excuses, but the bottom line is that I have let my life get to this point.  I have told my children and others that being happy with yourself is more important than what others think and feel about you.

Sooooo, I've been kicking myself and really analyzing these different areas of my life and what I should do about it.  I think the first thing I have to do is love myself again.  If I don't like something about myself, like the way I look, then I should do something about it.  I am not getting any younger or healthier.  I need to be happy with myself and then  it will show in the things I do.  No one else can do this for me and it doesn't matter how much someone else loves me if I don't love myself.  If I don't care about my appearance then why would anyone else?

I have always been the "think outside the box" person.  I have always been proud of that.  I have never liked following the crowd or just doing what others do.  I like to be different and I have never cared what others thought, at least I used to not care.  When did I start caring so much what others thought?  I shouldn't care what they think.  What I think is what matters.

I have let this sadness seep into my whole life.  BUT, I admit it now, seeing the issues, and I am doing something about it.  I don't like to be unhappy and I do love myself.  I still feel I have a life to live.  I honestly believe that life is what you make of it.  If I don't like something, change it.  I don't have to follow any traditional ways of doing things, like normal diets and such.  A matter of fact, I am fixing to start kick boxing.  I have always said that I needed a punching bag to take out some of my aggression.  I also like the moves and such.  I want to get more active and lose some weight, then I want to do something I will enjoy so that I will keep doing it.  I am not doing it for my husband or anyone else.  I am doing it for me.  My confidence has gotten misplaced, but I think I know where to find it!

I know I am not the only one going through these things.  These feelings know no age limits.  It can be teenagers, young adults, middle age, and seniors.  I felt that I would share this revelation so that you would know that you are not alone and to give you some hope.

Happiness comes from within.  Never rely on others for it because they will just let you down.  Things like confidence can't be given to you.  It too comes from within.

I am the captain of my life.  I choose where I am going, how I will get there, and how I feel about it all.  I don't know about any of you......but I deserve to be happy!!!

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Poo on Toast!

A woman I work with and I had a really good laugh today.  She yelled out, "Crap on a stick!"  I told her that I guess us it's a matter of preference for us country girls.  I told her that I say, "Poo on Toast!"

That got me thinking of other country saying I have grown up with.  One of my favorites seems to be, "There is more than one way to skin a cat." I heard that from my grandpa and others.  It means there is more than one way of doing things.  For my dad it was something he said when he rigged something to work.  That's probably when I use it most too.  Another one that my Dad told me all the time was "Lick your calf over again."  I said this a few times at work and got asked what that was supposed to mean.  Well if you grew up on a farm you know that mother cows lick their calves clean. Well if you are told to lick your calf again, it means you missed something and/or didn't do it right.  They thought it was funny.  I never did growing up because I was doing things like chores over again because it wasn't to his liking.

One of my favorites that I can remember is probably hearing my grandma use "piss-ant."  I didn't realize it when I was little, but now I know she was doing it from using curse words.  I can hear her fussing and saying how my grandpa was acting like such a piss-ant.  I used it get tickled.  I guess because it sounded funny.

It's funny those simple country saying that we grew up with that may sound so strange to others.  For me, I didn't want my kids growing up listening to curse words come from my mouth.  So if ever I got frustrated, I preferred my poo on toast!

Monday, February 3, 2014

Fairy Tales and Happily Ever After

Fairy Tales...good or bad?  When I was little Cinderella was my favorite movie.  I put myself in her shoes and dreamed of escaping the troubles in my life.  I dreamed that one day a prince would come in and take me away from it all.  I so wanted my happily ever after. In a way that fairy tale state of mind really never left my mind.  Looking back I feel I romanticized things in my life.  Now as a child, no one says anything because it's sweet and expected as a part of their innocence.  When do you set that aside? Does someone come to you at certain age and tell you that you have to stop and that's not the way the world works? No one did for me. Did they for you?

When I had my first serious relationships, I was so naive.  I really believed that if you loved someone so much that it would all work out.  Is it sweet or just stupid?  After finding out the hard way and getting my heart crushed a few times, those rose colored glasses were off.

As we grow up and we see the reality of the world it often seems so mean to let young children believe so much in fairy tales. However, the flip side is that you want shield them from the world as long as possible.  Do we not want them to be innocent and happy as long as possible?

I don't know about every little girl, but for me, those Disney movies with happy endings were a way of escape and a sign of hope that life could be different.  As a child, those movies would help me escape thoughts of abuse and other issues that were in my life at the time. Now, I don't watch so many Disney movies, but I read books and watch movies.  You know women get picked on by men for reading romance novels.  If something was ever said to me, I would say, "Why not?" Why wouldn't I want to read about love that lasts forever and reading about places I may never see, maybe even live in a time past.  It's a time to escape for a bit.  Is that still healthy?  I don't know, but I think everyone needs and has a place that they can just leave reality behind for a while.  My husband uses video games.  I use books and movies with happy endings!

I still like happily ever after endings....even if I know they aren't real.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Back again!

I am starting this new blog, but I am not sure what all I will have here YET!