Saturday, December 20, 2014

Happiness comes from within!

How many of us let life get us down?  How many of us make excuses and/or blame someone else?  I think I would be safe in saying that everyone has done this at some point in their life.  I am no exception!

I will admit that I have been very unhappy for a while.  I didn't realize how bad I had gotten until the last few days.  Let me take a step back and see if any of you can relate.

I am a 40 year old over weight woman.  I have struggling relationships at work and home.  I have found that I find joy in nothing I do anymore.  I don't hang out with my friends like I used to, for one reason or another.  I don't like who I see in the mirror and my heart doesn't seem to be in anything I do anymore.

Now, does this sound like you now or ever?

The other day I realized that I was  not enjoying Christmas.  You wouldn't know this about me unless you have known me a long time, but that is NOT like me.  Christmas has always been my favorite time of year.  I love giving, family, and the decorating.  I love to go see the lights.  Well...not this year!  I was listening to someone at work singing a holiday song and bubbling with happiness.  I caught myself thinking that I wish they would just shut up.  Wow!  I was surprised at my own thoughts.  What the heck is wrong with me?

That started me to thinking.  When was the last time I was really happy?  I started considering all the ways that my unhappiness has effected my life.  Let me explain...

Being over weight, not liking what I see in the mirror, not feeling pretty, and no confidence has touched every aspect of my life.  I get up in the morning and I think things like, "Why bother putting on makeup.  No one cares or notices."  Then when I go to work, my heart is not in a lot of what I do because I feel that no one really cares about what I am doing or listens.  Another words, I feel invisible.

I come home after that and the house is always dirty, drama from kids, relationship with my spouse is suffering and all I want to do is hide.  I think to myself, "Why should I bother, no one listens to me and all the hard work I do around here never seems to be enough."

My children are over 18, barely.  They are acting their age and going through that time in life where we make lots of stupid mistakes.  Did we listen to our parents?  I didn't because I knew it all!

Now, I have been telling myself that it was me being tired, stress at work, stress at home, my husbands fault, or simply I don't care.  However, ALL of these things, these areas in my life, are up to me.  How we live our lives is something we choose.  Who's fault is it if I don't like what I see or how I feel?  Yeah, it's MINE!

I, like so many others, have made plenty of excuses, but the bottom line is that I have let my life get to this point.  I have told my children and others that being happy with yourself is more important than what others think and feel about you.

Sooooo, I've been kicking myself and really analyzing these different areas of my life and what I should do about it.  I think the first thing I have to do is love myself again.  If I don't like something about myself, like the way I look, then I should do something about it.  I am not getting any younger or healthier.  I need to be happy with myself and then  it will show in the things I do.  No one else can do this for me and it doesn't matter how much someone else loves me if I don't love myself.  If I don't care about my appearance then why would anyone else?

I have always been the "think outside the box" person.  I have always been proud of that.  I have never liked following the crowd or just doing what others do.  I like to be different and I have never cared what others thought, at least I used to not care.  When did I start caring so much what others thought?  I shouldn't care what they think.  What I think is what matters.

I have let this sadness seep into my whole life.  BUT, I admit it now, seeing the issues, and I am doing something about it.  I don't like to be unhappy and I do love myself.  I still feel I have a life to live.  I honestly believe that life is what you make of it.  If I don't like something, change it.  I don't have to follow any traditional ways of doing things, like normal diets and such.  A matter of fact, I am fixing to start kick boxing.  I have always said that I needed a punching bag to take out some of my aggression.  I also like the moves and such.  I want to get more active and lose some weight, then I want to do something I will enjoy so that I will keep doing it.  I am not doing it for my husband or anyone else.  I am doing it for me.  My confidence has gotten misplaced, but I think I know where to find it!

I know I am not the only one going through these things.  These feelings know no age limits.  It can be teenagers, young adults, middle age, and seniors.  I felt that I would share this revelation so that you would know that you are not alone and to give you some hope.

Happiness comes from within.  Never rely on others for it because they will just let you down.  Things like confidence can't be given to you.  It too comes from within.

I am the captain of my life.  I choose where I am going, how I will get there, and how I feel about it all.  I don't know about any of you......but I deserve to be happy!!!